Another day, another couple dozen people killed by guns in the US.
The situation in the US seems hopeless, I grant: The NRA controls Congress and thus, positive change seems impossible. But there ARE ways that Congress could finally pass meaningful gun safety laws. Here are a few:
1. The Obamas could pose for their family Christmas picture holding semi-automatic weapons.
Basic rule of US politics: If the Obamas like something, conservatives HATE it.
The conservative Heritage Foundation came up with the idea of the individual mandate for health insurance. Conservatives liked it. President Obama decided he liked it. NOW CONSERVATIVES HATE IT!
For a while, Republicans in Congress were calling for the creation of a Deficit Reduction Commission. Democrats were skeptical. Obama decided he liked the idea and endorsed it. So Republicans decided THEY HATED IT and voted against their own bill.
So if Republicans started to believe that Obama might like semi-automatic weapons and high-capacity magazines, they would pass a law banning them before they even realised what they were doing!
2. Planned Parenthood could start giving out free penis enhancement pills.
Right now PP mostly focuses on women’s reproductive health and on things like birth control. But birth control is very unpopular this year, from the Supreme Court on down. Perhaps, in an effort to try and win the support of the men who are currently trying to defund them and terrorize their clinics, PP could start giving out free penis enhancement pills.
If my spam folder is correct, there must be dozens of effective, proven and cheap medications available!
Although it would take some time, widespread access to free penis pills might cause the average penis length among American males to increase to the point where there would be less gun nuttery, and less insecurity about their guns being regulated.
THEN we could have a rational debate about gun safety legislation.
3. Someone could sneak a provision for universal background checks into the GOP’s standard Repeal Obamacare bill.
Congress doesn’t seem to get too much legislation passed these days. But one thing that the House at least manages to pass all the time is a meaningless bill to repeal Obamacare. At this point, I think they’re pretty much on auto-pilot when they go through the motions of voting to repeal Obamacare, so probably no one would notice if someone slipped in a provision for universal background checks for gun purchases, or a resolution calling on the Stars and Stripes to be replaced with Stanky Leg as the national anthem, or a 500% salary increase for Capitol janitors or pretty much anything else, so long as the Repeal Obamacare part stayed in place.
4. Black, brown and other non-white people could start doing more of the mass shootings.
Nowhere is the Achievement Gap more evident in the US than when it comes to mass shootings. Most of the home-grown terrorists and mass shooters nowadays are white and virtually all are male.
In other words, the majority of mass shooters look like the majority in Congress. And white people tend not to find other white people sufficiently scary.
But back in the 1960s when lots of white people were afraid of the Black Panthers, the NRA actually supported more stringent gun laws. In fact, in 1967, when Ronald Reagan was governor of California, a group of Black Panthers walked into the state house in Sacramento, openly carrying rifles to protest his proposed gun control legislation. Governor Reagan responded by saying “There’s no reason why, on the street, today a citizen should be carrying loaded weapons.”
Friends, it’s time to Make America Great Again!
5. Someone could go shoot up the NRA’s headquarters.
Granted, the sort of person who likes going on shooting rampages is probably sympathetic to the NRA, and is much more likely to want to enact their twisted fantasies in a school, or a movie theatre, or a church, temple or other house of worship.
But there are at least a few possible scenarios where the NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia could join the long and storied list of mass shooting locations in the US: A disgruntled former employee might come back to settle some scores. A gun nut who has trouble sleeping at night might start taking sleep meds whose side effects include sleepwalking, and could literally shoot the place up in his sleep. Or a troubled and confused person might think that he has stumbled upon the headquarters of the National Restaurant Association, and decide its time to air some grievances about the shoddy service he receives at Olive Garden and Ruby Tuesdays!
At present, mass shootings are mostly viewed as a godsend by the NRA since they boost sales and share prices for the gun manufacturers that fund them. But if they could understand that mass shootings aren’t always a good thing, maybe they’d at least allow the Congressmen they sponsor to pass some legislation.
I thought of adding a few other possibilities to this list: A majority of Congresspeople could feel a pang of conscience and put public safety ahead of their donors’ interests; the Congresspeople who offer ‘thoughts and prayers’ after a mass shooting might actually pray ‘God, what can I do to stop this from happening again?’; Wall Street investors could decide that making money off of bloodshed is unethical and divest from the weapons manufacturers that fund the NRA; and so on. But I wanted to keep the list concise and most importantly I wanted to limit myself to strictly plausible scenarios!