My blood is boiling and every activity I have taken to has me weeping.
I’m trying to stay positive.
Even though the current state of affairs affirms the dark understandings of my childhood spirit that lingers still.
That spirit was conditioned to believe that my differences had me not deserving of respect,
Even if I achieved my best, I would still be second-class.
These constant reminders, often times covert, in media and in my school life had me apathetic and depressed by the time I was in 6th grade.
I still battle my trained responses of self-hatred and shame every single day.
My external voice can finally say, shakily, “You’re worth something.”
But on days like today, one must be able to see how hard it might be to trust your worth, when your identity is overtly attacked by the people of power in the nation you live in.
I know it is not every police officer, and I’m thankful for those who do protect and serve without bias.
I know there are people that aren’t POC that are allies to those who are struggling, and I am thankful for that.
I know there is progress, though it is slow and there is still so much blood being spilled…
But the resistance in some of the people around me has me so heartbroken.
I’ll continue on, trying to believe in the good ones and hope love does prevail.
“You are young and gifted and black
We must begin to tell our young
There’s a world waiting for you.
Yours is the quest that’s just begun
and when you’re feeling real low
there’s a great truth that you should know:
To be young, gifted, and Black: your soul’s in tact.
To be young, gifted and Black
Oh how I long to know the truth
There are times when I look back and am haunted by my youth,
but my joy of today is that we can all be proud to say,
To be young, gifted and Black: it’s where it’s at.”
I want to make clear that I’m not trying to co-op on this tragic event and make it about me.
I acknowledge my own privileges, of which I have many.
I have begrudgingly benefitted from surface components of my being, and it makes me ill.
I am lighter skinned.
I don’t speak like I’m from the inner city.
These are differences that don’t define my character
But they have made people feel more comfortable with the fact that I am a black woman.
I weep for my cousins with children, and my young nephews who play outside of their home in the city where I was born.
I am not in danger, my spirit is charred, but I am not the one in the scope of the gun.